Come for the Cynicism

Stay for the Subversion

Beginning with Arrivals

Until the Last Envelope

And be sure to read my Oscar predictions at www.deadlinehollywood.com

Schedule:

Joan and Melissa's arrivals horrorfest starts at 2:30 p.m. PT on the TV Guide Channel.

KTLA, Channel 5 in Los Angeles, kicks off its arrivals show at 3:00 p.m. PT with the unctuous Sam Rubin (though, for some reason, I don't mind him).

ABC's official Academy red carpet arrivals show is expanded this year to a full hour, starting at 4 p.m. PT. A small army co-hosts: Billy Bush (ugh), Chris Connelly (good), Cynthia Garrett (who?) and Vanessa Minnillo (another nobody).

At www.vanityfair.com, live webcast of VF's party 9:00 p.m. PT

As usual, E! Entertainment presents an orgy of Oscar-viewing:

Live Countdown: Before anyone even arrives, 9 a.m.-2:30 p.m. PT

Live from the Red Carpet: Ryan Seacrest (please, god, make him have laryngitis) and Isaac Mizrahi (who's he gonna feel up this time?). 2:30 p.m.-4:30 p.m. PT

Live Post-Show: Winners backstage, then live party coverage. 9 p.m.-11 p.m. PT

Fashion Police: You have to wait for this crap. March 6, 8 p.m. PT