It’s a completely meaningless awards show by a scandal-riddled organization on a network desperate for any kind of ratings. Yet here I am live-snarking the Golden Globes held by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and broadcast on NBC. The reason is because, over the years, Jack Nicholson has mooned the audience, Jim Carrey has talked out of his butt, Christine Lahti was locked in the bathroom, and other unscripted weirdness occurs at this intimate dinner. Including 1982′s low point when Pia Zadora’s husband bought her best “New Star Of The Year”. But that’s the perennial problem with the Golden Globes: they have zero integrity. Studios and networks who lavishly lobby the HFPA usually score nominations. Stars win in direct correlation to their glamour quotient. Everything about the awards is geared towards hyping the media’s interest and the telecast’s ratings. Even the small motley group of freelancers who belong to the HFPA won’t grant membership to the real foreign journalists at the prestige newspapers across the world. NBC and Dick Clark Productions could clean up the Globes but choose not to. Instead, the entire entertainment industry props up this pathetic show because it’s seen as a night-long marketing tool. Therefore, it’s ridiculous to consider the movie categories as a window on the Oscar frontrunners. I thought last year’s Golden Globes were the best ever because the broadcast was cancelled due to the Hollywood writers strike. So I will not treat tonight with any seriousness. Come for the cynicism. Stay for the subversion. (And if you don’t want that, then for crissakes stop reading…)

Be prepared for this year’s Golden Globes to be nothing but ads since NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker has to recoup for last year’s loss of the show… Borrowed bling was downplayed on the Red Carpet no doubt because of sensitivity about the economy… Kudos to Brangelina for dissing that Viscount of Vapidity, Ryan Seacrest.

Jennifer Lopez came out of the Witness Protection Program to award BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE. “You have to forgive me because I have a habit of not winning things,” said winner Kate Winslet for The Reader. I’m surprised that Harvey Weinstein still has enough clout and dough to lobby and buy the Golden Globe. (Or maybe it was Scott Rudin…) Especially because The Reader is doing horribly at the box office — even in limited release — which will hurt its Oscar chances. Plus, Harv isn’t very popular in Hollyood right now because of what Rudin claims he did…

An almost unrecognizable Sting with dark brown hair and a beard presented BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE to The Wrestler‘s “The Wrestler” with music & lyrics by Bruce Springsteen who said Mickey Rourke called and asked him to do the music. “This is the only time I’ll be competing with Clint Eastwood. Feels pretty good.” Hey, the HFPA isn’t stupid: great way to get Bruce at their awards show and boost ratings by letting him win.

Rumer Willis finally got her chance to be Miss Golden Globe after being chosen last year only to see the WGA strike deep-six the show. Every year, the selection is nepotism at its best… which is the whole point of it anyway. I missed it when her mother Demi Moore told her not to slouch. Ouch!

Tom Wilkinson won BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION for John Adams, HBO’s most boring mini-series ever.

Laura Dern won BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION for Recount, HBO’s most inaccurate made-for-TV movie. It was written by an actor and helmed by a comedy director. I rest my case. Ah, the night’s first impromptu political speech was just delivered by Dern. The HFPA doesn’t threaten the actors with bodily harm about this the way the Academy Awards people do.

I would say that this year those lobbying the HFPA hardest would have to be Paramount, Imagine and HBO. See how the pay channel has already won two awards. This, when HBO’s 2008 line-up was among the lowest-rated ever.

Don Cheadle just introduced the clip for Burn After Reading, and wondered aloud why the Coen brothers have never hired him for any movie. Considering how few people actually go see Coen Brothers movies, Don, consider yourself lucky.

The head of the HFPA hacks, has just asked everyone “and Steven” to have a good time. For crissakes, stop grinning ear to ear, Spielberg. You really demean yourself by accepting their stupid Cecil B. DeMille Award.

Mad Men‘s Jon Hamm was robbed! Gabriel Byrne wasn’t even at the show to accept his award for BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA for HBO’s In Treatment, a show whose ratings are so low they barely register and which had to install a new showrunner, Warren Leight.

And now Anna Paquin has won BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA for the abysmal True Blood, another unwatchable HBO show. Anyone want to insist that these awards aren’t bought and paid for by whichever company spends the most on the HFPA? Anyone? ANYONE? This is exactly why Jeff Bewkes installed the promotions guy, Richard Plepler, to head the pay channel. I can only imagine what those bribes cost Time Warner shareholders.

“That’s the last time I have sex with 200 middle-aged journalists. It was horrible,” said Ricky Gervais on his HFPA campaign to get an award for Ghost Town which no one saw in the theaters.

I have milk in my fridge older than the Jonas Brothers who presented BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM to Pixar/Disney’s Wall-E. Director Andrew Stanton accepted.

Johnny Depp looks great. He actually took a bath. He presented BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL and, surprise, surprise, Sally Hawkins won for Miramax’s little Happy-Go-Lucky. She said she left her acceptance speech in the car. So instead she just kept crying. She referred to the other women in her category as “goddesses” and humbly said about her win:”this seems insane when you’re all nominated…” She looked for Meryl Streep and then Emma Thompson in the crowd. (“I’m here!” Emma helped out.)

Sad, isn’t it, that NBC has no new shows to promote…

Jake Gyllenhaal intro’ed the clip for Paramount’s The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

Jessia Lange and Drew Barrymore, who both star in the upcoming Grey Gardens, presented BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION to HBO’s John Adams. It won because it was produced by Tom Hanks and the HFPA knew it was the only to get the guy to appear onstage. Are you playing the drinking game yet?

Demi Moore also was let out of the Witness Protection Program to present BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE to Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Director Chris Nolan gave a somber speech, and a clip was shown of Heath’s performance in the pic. Very little fuss, very little muss.

So NBC gets its own plug by wheeling Tom Brokaw onstage to show the clip for Imagine/Universal’s Frost/Nixon which has been box office challenged even in limited release.

Supposedly clean and sober Colin Ferrell was sniffing onstage (“I still have a cold. It’s not the other thing it used to be…”) while presenting BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM to Waltz With Bashir‘s Israel’s animated political film distributed by Sony Classics. The award was dedicated to the 8 babies born during the four years of the film’s making who hopefully will see it as “an ancient videogame that has nothing to do with their lives whatsoever”.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart gave BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION to Laura Linney for HBO’s John Adams. Canned speech, unfortunately.

Where is this show’s famously infamous moments? It’s a total borefest so far.

Camera just caught a very sweaty Jeff Zucker and an even sweatier Ben Silverman. Uh, why?

Seth Rogen makes dumb “I was drunk with Mickey Rourke” and “I was doing cocaine with Mickey Rourke” joke. Like that’s original. He and Elizabeth Banks gave BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE to Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire. ”There are some directors who shoot a screenwriters script, and there are some who make it fly,” Beaufoy said. “I don’t need to tell you he made it fly.”

Amy Poehler and Patrick Dempsey gave BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL to 30 Rock‘s Alec Baldwin. Hey, NBC is hosting this shindig and had to win something. “I feel so old. I remember when I used to bring Rumer Willis a juicebox on the set of the movie,” Baldwin tried to joke and failed. (The silence from the audience was deafening…) “When you do this you want to say, ‘Thank you, Tina. Thank you, Tina. Thank you, Tina,” Alec continued.

Didn’t Rene Zellweger used to act on movies? No surprise that Hervey Weinstein’s favorite actress (replacing Gwyneth Paltrow) presented the clip for The Weinstein Co’s little seen The Reader. Please, someone tell Rene that being buddies with Harv doesn’t mean anything these days. In fact, it could really hurt her… Just ask Gwyneth.

Oh, this is getting ridiculous. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION just went to Paul Giamatti in HBO’s John Adams. ”This was a helluva job, this little costume drama we put on. And it seemed like there were thousands of people who saved my ass every day.” I love the way he called Tom “Mr. hanks”. Giamatti said Wilkinson got him smoking again. Paul made sure to thank the crew, which was a nice touch.

Glenn Close and Lawrence Fishburne presented BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL to NBC’s 30 ROCK. Hey, the HFPA realized it was one way to get Tina Fey on stage. But they got punked. “Tina Fey and I had an agreement that if Barack Obama won, I would speak for the show from now on in post-racial America,” said Tracy Morgan, “especially because a black man like me can’t get no love at the Emmy’s.” Jeff Zucker’s eyes shifted nervously on-camera when Tracy gave him a “My Boy” shout-out.

Sean P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, or whatever he’s calling himself these days, upstaged Kate Beckinsale to present BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE to A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire. Fox Searchlight’s Peter Rice is having a nice night. So would Warner Bros’ Alan Horn/Jeff Robinov if they had believed in the film and hadn’t given away half of it to Rice.

Finally, Tina Fey took the stage alone when she won BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES -COMEDY OR MUSICAL for NBC’s 30 ROCK. ”As a kid, I had all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures,” she said. “I really know how very lucky I am to have had the year that I’ve had this year. But if you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet. I’d like to address some of those people now: You can suck it.”

I can’t watch Scorsese paying tribute to Spielberg for the HFPA’s Cecil B. Demille Award, and vice versa (“There’s my inspiration right there,” Steven said about Marty). It’s too painfully embarrassing. Just say no to dumb Hollywood awards bestowed by even dumber Hollywood organizations, people. Now, if Steven were to get onstage and plead for his DreamWorks 2.0 to get financing before January 15th, then I’d congratulate him for the reality check and so would every filmmaker caught in the current credit crunch. But, no, Spielberg missed the opportunity. Sad that.

Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman presented BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE, and Emma noted how the pair have worked with some of the best directors in the Industry. “We’d love to work with these directors again. And if you hire us, we do offer a hefty discount.” But the notoriously cheap Hoffman shook his head and murmured, “No way”. The award went to Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire, which is cleaning up at the Golden Globes tonight. “Your mad pulsating affection for our film is much appreciated.” Boyle also thanked Fox Searchlight’s Peter Rice and Endeavor’s Robert Newman “without whom I wouldn’t be here”.

Oh swell, my East Coast hotel’s satellite dish just went on the fritz… I won’t be able to see if Paramount’s Brad Grey is suicidal yet.

Fixed. I don’t know what I’ve missed. But I see Colin Farrell is holding the Golden Globe for BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL for Focus Features’ In Bruges.

I thought Sasha Baron Cohen would be funny. I was wrong. Worse was his Madonna joke at Guy Ritchie’s expense (“This recession is affecting everyone, including celebrities. Madonna had to get rid of one of her personal assistants.”), which elicited groans from the Industry audience. He presented BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL to Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which was certainly unexpected. Again, the HFPA must not know that Harvey Weinstein is a has-been.

“I’m not too good, Entourage lost…” deadpanned Mark Wahlberg to fellow presenter Cameron Diaz when asked how he was.

They presented BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA to Kate Winslet for Revolutionary Road from Paramount Vantage. She was gobsmacked at winning the second Golden Globe — laughing, crying, inarticulate. “I’m so sorry, Meryl, Kristin… Oh god, who’s the other one… Angelina, forgive me… Gather… Is this is really happening?” She looked out of breath. “I’m going to try to do this on the cuff… Thank you so much… Thank you so much.. Oh god…” The producers tell her to wrap it up. “You have no idea how I’m not wrapping up,” she tells them. “Leo, I’m so happy that I can stand here and tell you how much I love you and how I’ve loved you for 13 years. And to my husband Sam [Mendes], thank you for directing us and almost killing us. It’s made me love you more.”

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA went to AMC’s Mad Men, whose showrunner and creator Matthew Weiner now has more bargaining power with Lionsgate. “The English actresses stole my crying bit. I have to say that we won this last year. The Hollywood Foreign Press Assoiciation, they like new things and they embraced the show immediately. To my friends at Lionsgate and AMC, it’s been an amazing journey.” Was that his way of saying goodbye? I’m not sure. But he was gracious despite the fact that his negotiations are tough as nails right now.

SHOCKER! Mickey Rourke just won BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA for Fox Searchlight’s The Wrestler. Looking like an unmade bed, Rourke was touching in his unbridled happiness. “This has been a very long road back for me. I’m not good at public speaking, and I was hoping Robert Downey Jr would come up and talk for me. I was almost out of this business, and then a young man put his whole career on the line for me. Thank you David Unger, my agent at ICM, for having the balls. And to his boss Jeff Berg at ICM for not putting him back in the mailroom. I’ve said this before that really great directors come around every 30 years. And I really truly believe Darren is one of those cats. And he brought the best out of me. He hates it when I say he’s tough, but he’s one tough son of a bitch.” (I missed Aronofsky flipping the bird on live TV. That could cost Zucker a pretty penny come Monday morning.) “We didn’t have a distributor when we went over to Venice, and thanks to Fox Searchlight ‘s Peter Rice. Did I get your name right this time?” Finally, Mickey’s rambling speech ended with him thanking all his dogs: “Sometimes, when a man’s alone, that’s all you’ve got is your dog.”

Fox Searchlight’s Slumdog Millionaire wins BEST PICTURE – DRAMA. This wouldn’t be a surprise if the HFPA’s choice had credibility — after all, I wrote weeks ago that it was already getting the most talk among Academy members for the Best Picture Oscar. But considering the lengths to which Paramount went to promote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, and get both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (for Uni’s Changeling) to attend the Golden Globes, only to be blanked — well, what’s up with that? And will it hurt BB‘s Oscar chances? Grey, who not only repped Pitt but also ran his Plan B film company and pushed Benjamin Button to get made, must be cursing out the HFPA. Or maybe the group was just holding out for BMWs this year.

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