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NBC just released these selected quotes (hey, why not the whole thing?) from ”THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN” MONOLOGUE from his final show tonight:
Ladies and Gentleman, we have exactly one hour to steal every single item in this studio. We’ve a had a lot of fun being here these last 7 months, but like everything in life, the fun has to come to an end a decade too early.
The terms of my settlement say that I can’t host another show for 7 months. So next week look forward to the “Andy Richter Show” with his sidekick, me!
As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity.
Now that this mess is almost behind me – I just have one last request: HBO, when you make the movie about this whole NBC late night fiasco, I’d like to be played by Academy-Award winning actress Tilda Swinton.
People have been asking me what’s going to happen to our studio after we’re gone.
There are actually a few possible uses for our studio being kicked around. I thought I’d share some of the ideas with you right now:
– Site of Tiger Woods’ 1st Annual Mistress Reunion
– Fitting room for cast of “The Biggest Loser”
– Storage facility for apology notes to NBC stockholders
– Waterpark for Max Weinberg’s illegitimate children
– Hair and chest oil storage for the “Jersey Shore” cast
– Future site of “Cooters”, the nation’s first pants-less sports bar and restaurant
– Studio preserved as a nice, quiet, peaceful place where the cast of “Chuck” can be alone with their thoughts
– Magician David Blaine will attempt the impossible by trying to remain in the studio for longer than seven months
– Leave the studio cold and empty and re-name it “The World’s Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming”
– Panic room for Gary Busey after the rise of the fire hydrants
– Studio will be air-lifted to a location with better luck, like on top of a native-American burial ground[Before ending the show with a song, Conan said the following from his desk]:
“Before we end this rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can’t say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, The Late Night Show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I have worked with NBC for over twenty years. Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we’re going to go our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible.
Walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for 7 months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I’ve had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we’ll find a way to make it fun.
And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.
To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism- it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. As proof, let’s make an amazing thing happen right now. Here to close out our show, are a few good friends, led by Mr. Will Ferrell…
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Now that’s a class act.
That was the best way for him to handle this! Class all the way. I’ll follow Conan to wherever he goes! And I will not be watching The Tonight Show again.
NBC’s biggest mistake…letting Conan go. They will regret this.
Nah. He should’ve taken 12:05 and waited Jay out. Either it would’ve worked, and the lead-in improved his own numbers, or it would not have, and Jay would be out again after x-amount of time and he’d be back on at 11:35.
I completely disagree. He left with dignity, and he made the best decision in this case. I really respect this man, and I will remain a fan wherever he chooses to go.
Even though Jay was number one for many years in the tonight show.. NBC threw him out… and put Conan in whose sophomoric humor simply did not fit the tonight show.
Conan never got the ratings and TV is all about ratings and … another thing… the Tonight Show’ did not belong to Conan…. it is simply an NBC show,
I am looking forward to seeing Jay again… and I am very glad Conan is gone.. jay was treated very unfairly when he was taken off the Tonight Show.
A true gentleman, he is going to land on his feet.
I knew this day was coming the day it was decided.
Now that he is leaving, he is funnier. While he was there, he was so bland and un-funny.
Glad to see him off the air for a while until he surfaces up again on another network.
Letterman rules any way. Letterman is the best. Jay is much much better than Conan, though.
It’s all business, as Zucker said. All Business, nothing personal.
In any entertainment job, if you can’t earn for them a buck, you earn yourself a boot.
You mean Conan is funnier when he didn’t care about pleasing the suits? Hmmmmmmm….interesting. Especially, since the suits intentionally tamed him for the 11:35 slot….and said as much.
Ya think there might be a cause and effect there? LOL
This last week he’s been his old self again, and far funnier than the tamed-down version the suits told him to be. He was doing his puppet-string dance again, something that went almost totally missing during his 7 months on the Tonight Show. In any case, I’ll follow you anywhere, Senor Conando !
Classy right to the end.
The last few weeks have been fun ones to follow regarding this issue. And whether you’re a Conan O’Brien fan or not you have to agree that that’s a classy way to send the ship out.
Leno will be number 1 again in no time and the NBC suits will look great for doing the right thing business-wise. (After the monumental failure in Prime-Time.)
Safe travels, Mr. O’Brien…
…And please (for the love of God) may there be no “12 @ 12″ carry over for The Chin.
PS: Here’s hoping Conan DOES find a berth at 11:00p at FOX and draws younger demos with him.
Conan has always drawn younger demos. He’s been on the air at NBC for 17 years. He’s not going to magically do better ratings.
Why?
There just are not that many young people. US population (particularly the White population — Conan does not have many Telemundo viewers Conando aside) is like an Inverted Pyramid. More older people than younger ones. Not as bad as Japan and Europe but very significant.
Clearly NBC thought that Conan at the Tonight Show would be the logical culmination of the “Brandon Tartikoff Strategy” of lots of high-income, young people — but there are not many of those left. First the recession killed income along with jobs, and second it’s not 1989, when Seinfeld got miserable ratings but great demographics.
Cause there are not many young people left. Look at Fox’s #1 show, American Idol. It draws from tween girls 10-12 all the way up to women in their late fifties. That’s how they do 30 million plus viewers. And note who “wins” the voting contests — bland, “middle of the road” guys NOT Daughtry or Adam Lambert.
I like Conan. He’s part of tradition. He’d been on NBC for 17 years. That ought to have meant something. It was comforting knowing he was on Late Night even if I did not watch him. Stability, continuity, and tradition ought to mean something, it should have been part of NBC’s brand.
Its funny you bring that up whiskey. I think this whole conflict really tapped into a lot of generational tension between Baby Boomers and the younger generations. The Baby boomers just fucked up the whole channel, and when someone younger finally gets a chance they yank him because his friends aren’t in power. Its a lame situation and its killing Network Television. There’s way to many Olds still trying to swing their dicks in the creative side of things, when they should be concentrating on being better finance and resource managers.
manly tears ;_;
It is baffling team Conan’s comments don’t even hint that 7 months ago he inherited a #1 show at 11:35 with an audience of about 5,000,000 and that — while falling to Letterman — he quickly reduced his audience to about 2,500,000. The Tonight experience turned out to be an embarrassing negative on Conan’s resume. He revealed he is not qualified for a major network’s 11:35 p.m. schedule. Like “Star Trek” fans who moaned NBC’s cancellation years ago, Conan’s fans will have to be satisfied to find him on cable, where boutique audiences are prevalent.
The hell? Star Trek is your example? The same franchise that had 4 spin-off series and 11 movies made, with the last one earning hundreds of millions of dollars? Star Trek has had its ups and downs, but the franchise as a whole has been an incredibly profitable one with a huge fanbase that can find still find it on cable, DVD, at the theater…your comparison rings false.
Jay?
Is that you?
Oh!
Sorry Jeff…
Actually, comparing Conan to Star Trek is a great example. I am sure the franchise of Conan will be more popular and more successful in its next incarnation, after being cancelled by NBC. Good luck, Conan. We look forward to seeing what you come up with next.
Yesterday I’d have responded to a troll like this differently, today (and entirely because of his comments about cynicism) I’ll just point out the amazing contrast between Conan’s class, and the lack thereof above. Sad, really.
Such a great way for Conan go out, can’t wait for September.
Gene, Conan’s audience buys more stuff than Leno’s. And doesn’t watch on a Nielsen-boxed antenna tv like you do.
antenna tv! ha!
I’m also baffled by why NBC keeps insisting Jay Leno at 10:00 PM wasn’t a mistake. But since you probably work for the network, I’m sure you’ll have an answer, or rationale, for that.
I don’t think Conan can be held solely responsible for the drop in ratings. I think NBC didn’t help a bit by putting Leno in Prime time. The numbers started slipping at nine and carried on. Jay’s numbers dropped drastically when he took over the tonight show and it took what, eighteen months for him to reach number one. Conan had growing pains when he took late night. For shows like this there needs to be a transition, a finding of audience. It’s not simply, Conan lost ‘em. Frankly, Conan’s sketches and bits on the show were and are funnier than any on late night. It’s too bad NBC pussed out and didn’t give him the time he deserves. That’s who is at fault.
The answers to that are:
1. FAR fewer young people than even in the 1990s, as America ages. [Go check out the Census Bureau site with age group breakdowns. Look at White Alone particularly, the Late Night audience + TIVOing. Check this yourself. It's easy to do online.]
2. LESS MONEY. In 1993, NBC had top rated shows like Seinfeld on that could bring in revenue to cover costs and let them take risks.
Leno brought in half a million a week, or $26 million a year in PURE PROFIT. What, Parks and Recreation, Mercy, or Thirty Rock were going to bring in more than that to cover the risk of taking 1.5 years for Conan to build an audience? [One that is in fact, older and more Leno's age than Conan's anyway?]
Conan O’Brien is no longer the Tonight Show host not because he’s a “bad guy” or unable to be funny, but because Demographics and NBC’s revenue meant they had to flee to safety with the only guy who can make them money — Leno. Look at NBC’s schedule. NBC last week had only ONE show in the Top 25 Nielsen ratings — the Golden Globe Awards. They don’t have the cash to carry Conan for another year or so.
Conan could have done the Tonight Show at 12:05. Yeah, it would have sucked. But he still would have been on, still at NBC, his staff would still be working for him. NBC would have had BOTH Leno and Conan (clearly Conan did not want to follow Leno as an ego thing) and audiences that liked them both would have won.
It is baffling team Jay’s comments don’t even hint at the effect Jay@10 had on Conan@11:30. Jay took half his audience WITH HIM to 10p., or did you think they were camped at 10 waiting for NBC’s next helping of table scraps? Conan didn’t cut Jay’s audience in half. He built up a new 2.5 mil FROM SCRATCH.
Jay, you said you’d leave after five years, and you didn’t do it. You are not a good guy, you are not a savvy businessman, you are not a shrewd innovator. You are a liar. But then, I’m just part of some “boutique audience” that thinks you are dull as peas. Long live Star Trek, and long live Conan!
Poor Gene. You are confused. Star Trek has had more than just a life on cable.
Jay got the same flood of publicity as Conan did from this shake-up yet for the last two weeks, his ratings have been flat while Conan’s skyrocketed. Yet despite what could have been a boost for both the last two weeks, Conan drew more viewers at 11:30 than Jay did in primetime! Just as Leno couldn’t beat Letterman for 2 years until Hugh Grant attracted their attention, perhaps now people have discovered Conan and will be interested to see him on a new show.
But mostly, people have to get over this myth that a show or performer being good for business is the same as being good…
“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
He forgot to add, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!”
This is sad and pathetic. Leno is so awful with “comedy” and his interviews are just as canned as his monologue- Hope you’re happy middle america – now we’re stuck with with this hack for eternity.
good luck to you conan!! you are a classy act and deserve a great new home for your next show…look forward to it!!
will ferrell sucks…as much as mein zucker
Shut up on the Will Ferrell hatred, you stupid moron. You’re clearly a follower, not a leader, and you have personal problems that allow your vitriol to come from your fingers. Shut up and get a life.
l am such a big fan of Conan’s, l’ve grown up watching him on Late Night and l cannot imagine going to sleep without watching him. l still have 3+ hrs before his final show starts but just reading his goodbye on this page makes me think l’m going to need a box of tissues next to me
l am so grateful that l was able to make it to the rally and get standby tickets for my last taping of the Tonight Show on Monday. lt was an experience l’ll never forget running down Lankershim Ave after Conan braved the crowds and weather to say hello to everyone!
Goodbye Conan!! Don’t make us wait too long, please keep us updated and come back to TV soon!
Class, brother. Class. Then again, I’d be pretty classy if I had $44 million, too.
One of the classiest, kindest things I’ve ever read. Tonight I’ll be hearing it “live” and tearing up again. Conan has handled this all with the right perspective and pure class; still one can’t help noticing the look in his eyes. The man is emotionally crushed from this. But he seems to know more than anyone this is so NOT the end of the world. And you know what? I can’t wait to see what he does next! Whatever it turns out to be, it’ll be a much better fit.
Nikke…take note of your own post…Conan’s words…
“All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism- it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.”
Classy.
Read any good books lately?
I wish Conan the best. He is a very talented guy.
However, I still cannot understand why NBC would screw over someone twice just so Jay Leno can be on the air. Does he have photos of some exec’s Mom in a compromising situation or something?
I am guessing that Zucker and Jay have the same source of blackmail intel, otherwise they both would be hanging their hats elsewhere.
I’d spark one up for The “Andy Richter Show” (__’
I watched the entire last tonight show and I was pleased that Conan went out bang. And he ended his tonight show with a postive note. I’m going to miss him and his antics.
I think the one thing that shows through the bright shining light of Conan O’Brien’s class and integrity is the short-sighted dimwittedness of NBC, most recently illustrated by the transcript where they refer to “The Late Night Show.”
If ONE person involved had ANY idea of the history involved, that transcript would have read “the ‘Late Night’ show,” reflecting its title, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”
He’s well rid of them.
Conan will rise again and we’ll all be there able to cheer him on better this time!
Those eight minutes of off-tune howling at the end of The Tonight Show was not so much Will Ferrell proving that he’s irredeemably tone-deaf as it was him marking the end of Jay Leno’s career.
— Rob