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oscars 82ndThe 82nd Academy Awards telecast starts with a total waste of time: intro-ing the Best Actor nominees. This is how the show begins? Ohmygawd, what a long and boring night this will be.

TOLDJA! Deadline|New York editor Mike Fleming already tipped you that Neil Patrick Harris (“What am I doing here?” the TV star asked aloud) would open the show with a musical number. Martin Short was supposed to join him, but a family emergency kept him away. Meanwhile, Harris lied to his fans by Tweeting that he wasn’t doing the Oscars.

As one of my commenters noted about Doogie Howser’s opening: “The first two minutes of the 82nd Academy Awards included a pot joke, a joke about prison anal rape, puns about masturbation, drinking, and sex. WAY TO KEEP IT CLASSY, Hollywood!”

Out come the two over-the-hill white guys who are hosting, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Meryl Streep jokes? Didn’t Saturday Night Live already exhaust that lame material?

Have you laughed yet? I haven’t. Not once. Kill me now.

So Meryl Streep is the new Jack Nicholson? The person every Oscars host has to personally address and point out to home audiences? Meryl can play anyone, but not even she can do Jack.

Steve Martin just made a reference to one of his movies that’s something like 45 years old. Nothing like staying relevant, Oscars.

Don’t you long for Billy Crystal’s witty movie clip reel that opened the Oscars? Instead of this stale stand-up? Not even a Catskills resort would hire these two.

Someone just IM’ed me: “Get the hook”.

Steve Martin to Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner: “Take a good look at us guys: this is you in 5 years.” No, Steve and Alec. Those two have FANS!

Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role
Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds” (The Weinstein Company/Universal Pictures)

Waltz remembered to mention Harvey in his thank-you speech. That new kitchen the Weinsteins built for him certainly paid off bigtime, eh?

DISNEY/ABC JUST ANNOUNCED IT’S RETURNING WABC-TV TO CABLEVISION SUBSCRIBERS. OF COURSE, IT’S ALREADY 17 MINUTES INTO THE OSCARCAST.

Here’s the statement from WABC-TV: “We’ve made significant progress, and have reached an agreement in principle that recognizes the fair value of ABC7, with deal points that we expect to finalize with Cablevision. Given this movement, we’re pleased to announce that ABC7 will return to Cablevision households while we work to complete our negotiations.”

Or, if I can translate, “We need the ratings badly for this Oscar crapfest!”

CABLEVISION ANNOUNCES RETURN OF WABC

BETHPAGE, NY, March 7, 2010 – Cablevision Systems Corporation (NYSE: CVC) announced the immediate return of WABC to Cablevision.

Cablevision said: “We are happy to report that WABC Channel 7 has returned to Cablevision’s 3 million New York area homes.  We are very grateful to our customers for their support and pleased to welcome ABC back.”

You know how last year I kept saying that was the Gayest Oscars Ever? Well, these are the Straightest Oscars Ever! And lemme tell you: I prefer the gay version. At least that had entertainment! Academy  Award producers Bill Mechanic and Adam Shankman won’t get hired for the Covina Dinner Theater when this broadcast is over.

Best Animated Feature Film Of The Year
“Up” (Walt Disney) Pete Docter

“Boy, never did I dream that making a flip-book out of my 3rd grade math book would lead to this,” said Pete Doctor. Why do the animated filmmakers always look like cartoon characters?

There’s yet another “thank-you cam” backstage for everyone to plaudit their agent and lawyer. Even so, it’s obvious that the Academy  has every winner’s first-born locked in a closet backstage to ensure no one goes over the 10-word maximum for speechifying. These people are terrified!

Achievement In Music Written For Motion Pictures (Original Song)
“The Weary Kind” (Theme from “Crazy Heart”) (Fox Searchlight)
Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett

Forget that the song was great. Anyone named “T Bone” deserves the awards hands down.

How pathetic is this Oscars that neither Tina Fey nor Robert Downey Jr are given anything funny to say? I swear that Downey has used that “mole people” line at least 3 awards shows in a row.

Original Screenplay
Mark Boal – “The Hurt Locker” (Summit Entertainment)

This is what all those last-minute lawsuit litigants suing The Hurt Locker were hoping for. You know what Mark Boal really wanted to say up there to them was: “Screw you!” (But if really taken from a magazine article, then is this an original screenplay? My head hurts just thinking about it.)

TOLDJA! Here’s that special memorial to John Hughes who died in 2009 which I told you about in an Oscar spoiler on Deadline|Hollywood. Those were great movies. No Twilight Saga, mind you, but great movies. Today, Hollywood would make them all vampires, werewolves, and avatars.ill going on?

Wait a minute, it’s still going on? Yet another example of how Hollywood insiders are treated more special than anyone else in showbiz who died in 2009. (You don’t think this had to do with the fact that Hughes made a lot of his films for Fox, whose execs dominate everything associated with this Academy Awards? Academy president Tom Sherak (at one time a bigtime Fox movie exec), Oscars producers Bill Mechanic (at one time a bigtime Fox movie exec) and Adam Shankman (currently a bigtime Fox Broadcast talent), and Academy Board Of Governors member Jim Gianopulos (currently a bigtime Fox movie exec?)

So 90 minutes have gone by. Can I get those hours of my life back, please?

Best Animated Short Film
“Logorama” An Autour de Minuit Production
Nicolas Schmerkin

Best Documentary Short Subject
“Music by Prudence” An iThemba Production
Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett

Best Live Action Short Film
“The New Tenants” A Park Pictures and M & M Production
Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson

Thank the lord for Ben Stiller in blueface. “This seemed like a better idea in rehearsal. It was either this, or a Hitler uniform.” Did you see the camera just pan to a stone-faced Jim Cameron? Is there any wonder why everyone in Hollywood hates this guy? (May the film gods one day force Cameron to direct a comedy with that other most hated guy in Hollywood, Vince Vaughn.)

Wait, my commenters just told me Cameron did laugh. Sorry, I missed it.

Achievement In Makeup
“Star Trek” (Paramount and Spyglass) Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow

You know I thought Star Trek should have been nominated for Best Picture. So I’m glad that someone at least mentioned JJ Abrams who rebooted this stale franchise so Spock et al can live again.

Adapted Screenplay
Geoffrey Fletcher – “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” (Lionsgate)

The night’s first UPSET! Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner were expected to win for Up in the Air. But maybe the Academy voters were turned off by scuttlebutt of warring behind-the-scenes between Jason and Sheldon over who wrote what and when. In any case, Geoffrey Fletcher is truly moved. “I’m sorry I’m drawing a blank right now. But I thank everyone.” A win for diversity in Hollywood. This was a beautifully written screenplay, no doubt about it.

First funny line of the night when Steve Martin quipped, “I wrote that speech for him.”

Honorary award recipients Roger Corman and Lauren Bacall are applauded. John Calley wasn’t able to be there because he’s quite ill, I’ve learned. There’s already been an Academy’ Board Of Governors’ rubber chicken dinner for them.

Robin Williams, it’s all on your shoulders now. Nope, he wasn’t even amusing. What the hell do we have to do to get some entertainment at the Academy Awards? BRING BACK THE GAYEST OSCARS! Straight white guys just aren’t funny anymore.

Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role
Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” (Lionsgate)

This was without a doubt the biggest and longest lock of the Oscars. She thanked the Academy for “showing that it can be about the performance and not about the politics”. I loved the fact she thanked Hattie McDaniel “for enduring all that you had to so I wouldn’t have to”.

A top Hollywood publicist just called me. “Say how terrible the directing is! It’s awful!” How can you tell because, to me, the whole damn show is a train wreck tonight. WORST OSCARS EVER!

Achievement In Art Direction
“Avatar” (Twentieth Century Fox)
Set Decoration: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg
Art Direction: Kim Sinclair

“Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you clearly. Your vision is so deep,” one of the winners gushed.

How unclassy for Steve and Alec to be talking about “whores” on the night of the Oscars. No wonder so many people in America hate Hollywood.

Achievement In Costume Design
“The Young Victoria” (Apparition) Sandy Powell

“I already have 2 of these. So I’m feeling greedy,” Sandy Powell said. She dedicated this 3rd Oscar to the costume designers who “don’t do movies about dead monarchs or glittery musicals”, who work on contemporary films and low-budget films “who don’t get as recognized and should do because they work just as hard. So this is for you. But I’m going to take it home tonight.”

Oh nooooooooo. Filmed shtick for Martina and Baldwin? They waste precious minutes on THIS? Remember, there was no time to have the singers warble their songs. For this. Those are tonight’s priorities.

Academy president Tom Sherak vowed he’d have Twilight Saga shit on the show somehow. So here’s a tribute to the “horror genre”. Earth to Tom: Twilight isn’t a horror flick. It’s about terminally depressed teens with deeply repressed sexual appetites. Like duh! (And would Kristen Stewart’s agent please send her to a remedial reading course? Before the next awards season?)

Two ass-numbing hours have gone by.

Achievement In Sound Editing
“The Hurt Locker” (Summit Entertainment) Paul N.J. Ottosson

Look! It’s Jim Cameron’s younger brother! What are the odds?

Achievement In Sound Mixing
“The Hurt Locker” (Summit Entertainment)
Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett

Wow, I thought Avatar would sweep these professional creative awards. Another 2 upsets…

Why is Elizabeth Banks yelling at the top of her lungs? Does she think shouting is funny? She looks like an amateur at a bad high school production of Charlie’s Aunt…

Now I see why people are complaining about tonight’s direction. Either the control room missed the mark on its John Travolta closeup. Or else he had a guarantee that the camera wouldn’t show his triple chin. In any case, that was just plain weird.

I just found time to approve some comments. I missed the sour puss on George Clooney — but you sure didn’t! How would you feel having to sit through this borefest when you haven’t a prayer of winning? Amazing he hasn’t slipped out by now and short-sheeted Brad Pitt.

Wait, I forgot Best Cinematography.

Achievement In Cinematography
“Avatar” (20th Century Fox) Mauro Fiore

Demi Moore, the living commercial for full body plastic surgery, comes out. Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that she’s introducing the “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars marking the 2009 passing of showbiz insiders? Because they’re gone, but parts of Demi will live on forever.

Be sure and let me know about those poor souls whom the Academy forgot to include in this segment. There are always dozens of departed missing. [So far, here's your inexact list: Farrah Fawcett, Bea Arthur, Lionel Jeffries, Johnny Seven, Jean Simmons, Nina Foch, Arnold Stang, Dan Barton, Gene Barry, Richard Todd, Paul Naschy, Edward Woodward, Bob Westmoreland, Al Martino, Robert Ginty, John Quade, Brenda Joyce, Hal Riddle, Jane Randolph, Jody McCrea, Maurice Jarre.]

To those who think I’m way too nasty: believe me when I tell you that Hollywood hates the Academy Awards. No one in that audience wants to be there except the seat-fillers. I’m just reflecting the sensibility of the people I cover. And if you don’t like that explanation, then remember this: nobody put a gun to your head to read me.

JLo’s dress has to be the ugliest style and color, surpassed only by her high school updo. Why didn’t her reps tell her that to recapture the youth market and land another record label (Sony just dropped her, as I scooped recently), she’s got to stop parading around like a prom queen?

This dumbass dance number replaced having singers warble their songs. Blame Adam Shankman, who’s a choreographer and judge on So You Think You Can Dance. Please, don’t let him or Bill Mechanic EVER produce the Oscars again. The ghost of Alan Carr would have been better. But the best quip is from my commenter who posted, “Something that was left over from the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony?”

Wait a minute: did someone switch the channel so I’m watching old footage of The Ed Sullivan Show which PBS has been airing of late?

Achievement In Music Written For Motion Pictures (Original Score)
“Up” (Walt Disney) Michael Giacchino

He gave one of tonight’s better speeches. “Listen to me. If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It’s not a waste of time.”

I get it: Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper present Visual Effects because they’re tonight’s eye candy. So the idiot who’s directing didn’t even bother to linger on their fine faces.

Achievement In Visual Effects
“Avatar” (20th Century Fox)
Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones

Seriously, if Avatar hadn’t won this category, Jim Cameron could go home right now.

I’ve lost the will to live. It’s been 2 1/2-hours of hell so far.

George Clooney’s sour puss can’t hold a candle to my own grimace.

BRING BACK THE GAY OSCARS! Straight white men can’t jump or do comedy.

Best Documentary Feature
“The Cove” An Oceanic Preservation Society Production (Roadside Attractions)
Louis Psihoyos and Fisher Stevens

Here’s how you determine who’ll win Best Documentary: the environmental pic wins unless there’s a Holocaust contender. Cynical but true.

Tyler Perry: “They just said my name at the Oscars. I’d better enjoy it because it’ll probably never happen again.” He sure got that right since he specializes in racial sterotypes. And he’s a union-buster. Can you tell I really dislike this guy? Get this guy off the stage now!

OK, that visual gag of Alec and Steve in the whatchamacallit was funny.

Achievement In Film Editing
“The Hurt Locker” (Summit Entertainment) Bob Murawski and Chris Innis

Bob Murawski thanked the Academy for giving the award “to a movie that was made without compromise. We didn’t have any preview screenings, or focus groups or studio notes. Everybody just made the movie we wanted to make, and it turned out great. So I’m glad everybody liked it.”

I just realized that Keanu Reeve has been in the Witness Protection Program. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen one of his films.

Interesting pairing of Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino. Well, it would have been had they been given something more amusing to say. Or been allowed to wing it.

Best Foreign Language Film Of The Year
Argentina – “El Secreto de Sus Ojos”
A Haddock Films Production (Sony Pictures Classics)

A big upset considering both A Prophet and The White Ribbon were such overwhelming favorites going into tonight. Oh look, the winner made a lame Avatar joke by thanking the Academy for “not considering Nav’i a foreign language”. He wasted his time at the podium for that?

TOLDJA! Again, Deadline|New York editor Mike Fleming told readers that the show would feature a group of former Oscar-winners with special connections to the Best Actor and Actress nominees. What Mike didn’t reveal was that these segments would be so labored and just plain lame. Horrible idea. And what a time suck. Oh, but Mechanic and Shankman thought they were being so very clever by doing this. Please don’t let them produce the Oscars again – ever!

Ohmygawd, this gushfest just keeps dragging on and on and on…

These will be spoofed tomorrow by all the late night shows.

Performance By An Actor In A Leading Role
Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart” (Fox Searchlight)

He’s been the sentimental favorite as well as shoo-in for the entire awards season. “Thank you, Mom and Dad, for turning me onto such a groovy profession… This is honoring them as much as honoring me.” Fortunately, Jeff Bridges introduced some authenticity into a telecast sorely lacking in it. But, really, did he need to thank his manager and his agent and his lawyer all at the same time?

Is it over yet? Please, let it be over soon. I want my life back.

I really thought these Oscars were going to be better. I was wrong. The only viewers left watching are hardcore gamblers who have money riding on Avatar or The Hurt Locker.

Oh no, they’re gushing again — this time about Best Actress. Make them stop. My skin is crawling.

Readers, you must look at the comments coming in. Far funnier than I could ever be. Kudos.

Performance By An Actress In A Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side” (Warner Bros)

Even though this was expected, she does look stunned. “Did I really earn this? Or did I just wear you all down?” You’re right, Sandy, you campaigned long and hard and well. And Academy voters always appreciate that. Nice touch with thanking “the Moms who take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from.

It’s Babs noting that the winner of Best Director “could be, for the first time, a woman. Or an African-American”… Or the usual white dudes.

Achievement In Directing
“The Hurt Locker” (Summit Entertainment) Kathryn Bigelow

“Well, the time has come,” said Babs. Did the Academy have her present this because they were so sure Kathryn Bigelow would take it home? Bigelow does look gobsmacked. “There’s no other way to describe it. It’s the moment of a lifetime.” I love the way she’s grabbing that Oscar with all the strength she can muster — almost as if her ex, Jim Cameron, is going to grab it away from her. She also noted: “I’d just like to dedicate this to the women and men in the military who risk their lives on a daily basis in Iraq and Afganistan and around the world. May they come home safe.”

My commenters noticed a lot more than I did. “Did they really just play “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” after Bigelow’s acceptance speech? Patronizing douchebags.” Another said, “Is that what’s passing for clever these days? Just a horrible production and direction job all around. [Their] next gig is the 11:00 news in West Buttfuck.”

Tom Hanks keep running for the Mayor Of Hollywood. I can’t believe he’s showed up for yet another Academy Awards where he’s not nominated.

How’s that hopey and changey thing at the Oscars work for you tonight? Didn’t you find the telecast so much more riveting now that 10 Best Picture nominations were included? I didn’t. Instead, the Academy merely cheapened all the Oscar nods in this desperate bid for ratings.

Best Motion Picture Of The Year
“The Hurt Locker” A Voltage Pictures Production
Greg Shapiro, Kathryn Bigelow, Mark Boal, Nicolas Chartier (Summit Entertainment)

“To be standing here, this was really, truly, honestly never part of anything we had ever even imagined in our wildest dreams,” exclaimed Mark Boal.

So David slew Goliath. Or, to put it another way, Academy voters rewarded a tiny film that made no money just because almost everyone in Hollywood really dislikes James Cameron. This shows how out of touch the Oscars are with moviegoers around the world, who loved Avatar. But what can you expect from a bunch of mostly geriatrics who decide on the Best Picture by watching them on small screens instead of in the movie theater. Most of the 5,000+ voters only saw Avatar in 2D. So, of course, The Hurt Locker played better. And people wonder why I have nothing but contempt for the Academy?

Oh, and remember that the Academy wouldn’t even let Nicolas Chartier who financed Hurt Locker (or his mother who flew in from France) attend the show tonight because he mass-emailed members and supposedly broke the campaigning rules — even though he never even mentioned Avatar by name. That guy has to celebrate at a private party in Malibu tonight away from all the Industry accolades he so richly deserves. And people still wonder why I have nothing but contempt for the Academy?

At least one of the producers, Greg Shapiro, singled out Chartier for praise (amid the audience’s very half-hearted applause): “We have to thank our intrepid financier and fellow producer Nicolas Chartier who bet on this movie when no one else would.” And it was such a Hollywood moment when CAA was thanked before the pic’s distributor Summit Entertainment.

What an inappropriate moment when Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin tried to take away Bigelow’s 2 Oscars at the very end. Martin ends the show by saying: “Ladies and gentlemen, the show is so long that Avatar now takes place in the past.” And we now get our lives back. Until next year when we’re held hostage by this effing broadcast all over again.

Editor-in-Chief Nikki Finke - tip her here.