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Screenwriter John August has posted this anonymous video, “The Pitch”, on his website to illustrate his recent rant, Why must we have board-game movies?. “It’s not that Hollywood is out of ideas. It’s that the industry is terrified of failure, and clings to the safety of recognizable titles. In difficult times, it’s comfort food.”
Editor-in-Chief Nikki Finke - tip her here.
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That…is…HILARIOUS.
“I’m mocking you.” “I don’t know what that means.” Great stuff.
This is… awesome.
BINGO… this is so right on the money….as opposed to “Bingo: The Movie” — which I’ll probably read Monday morning just sold for seven figures!
“Am I being punk’d right now?” hahahaha
F’ing brilliant mate! I was just joking the other day about a STRATEGO movie. Ooops, someone probably just stole that “original” idea!
It would be so much funnier if we weren’t all afraid it’s going to come true.
“Battleship” begins filming August 30. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Absolutely brilliant. With perfect pitch this captures the debacle that is modern-day Hollywood moviemaking/executive creativity (um, cluelessness?) in pursuit of boffo box office.
I am in a public place (a Starbucks) and howled in staccato bursts of laughter, causing people to look at me as if I had lost it and devolved into mania. Great stuff. And John August, a fine screenwriter and bright mind in his own right, has one fantastic website. Kudos.
Thanks for the link Nikki. This TOTALLY made my weekend.
Coy Meets Foil…Franchises Springs Eternal
Slinky is an excellent idea. I wish I had thought of it. Most of the good toys are already
used up.But what about Candy Bars? Almond Joy The Movie… DOTS, Abba Zabba, Good & Plenty.
Or cleaning and cooking products–those nutty scrubbing bubbles, Jolly Green Giant, Mister Clean, talk about an a team?!
The biggest irony will be when this spawns its own big budget adaptation.
At least I can sleep soundly in knowing that “Battleship” will straw that breaks the camel’s back.
And if Battleship does well, we’re over. Its directors and brands with 1-step deals (maybe even half-step, if that’s possible) given to studio readers instead of guild writers, funneled through one of their pacts’ non-signatory LLCs. So glad I made all those millions on the digital distribution of my writings. Thanks, WGA!
That’s hilarious. I went to a meeting once where a producer had gotten the rights to the Happy Face. Actually, it wasn’t “the” Happy Face. It had a different mouth, and it was animated so it could sing. It was the same round yellow face without a body though. He was convinced it could be a breakthrough project. He just needed a “great writer” to figure out how. I told him I’d talk to my dog about it and get back.
And obviously the dog did the right thing and told you to pass.
I can imagine that the pitch for the “real” 8-Ball movie was pretty close to this and as hilarious as this is…at the same time it’s pretty sad…..no it’s really sad.
“sighs”
I actually found this to be more sad than funny. Because it ain’t that far-fetched.
Hilarious!
Very realistic. Except for the writer not asking what the job pays. Before his rant. Now she’ll simply steal his best ideas and turn Slinky into a franchise. Slinky Too. Boy coil meets Goil. Poor, dumb writer. He should go back to TV. At least there, he can be appreciated. By other writers.
Brilliant. In Stephen-Hawking-machine-speak “I’m mocking yeuoeu”
Just brilliant.
First, as Nikki’s report made clear, August didn’t make this video.
Second, it seems like John is being anything but childish here. He’s pretty even handed in identifying why the current Hollywood system is trying to make these movies. Just because he’s pointing out that the town wants to stay as risk-averse as possible doesn’t mean he’s whining.
Third, it sounds like you’re trying to portray screenwriters as the overpaid problem in the film industry? Hmmm… Something about that just doesn’t seem true. Plus, all of the work I’ve seen by August has shown that he’s a perfectly capable scribe.
I’m surprised by how much venom can come out towards someone who examines a problem that we all already complain about.
I thought the 8-Ball movie was about coke — And y’all shut up about Slinky, I have Hopscotch in development… and then, who knows, maybe Mumbly Peg. Back in the day I had meeting on writing the Archie Comic’s movie — I said, “Oh, great… Jughead is finally going to get to see Veronica’s tits.” The meeting ending shortly thereafter. If people get the government they deserve then on some level audiences get the movies they deserve, too…
“If people get the government they deserve then on some level audiences get the movies they deserve, too…”
Hear, hear.
Holy shit, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on this site.
Been in a meeting where they tried to take our pitch and figure out if it can fit with a toy they had licensed. It didn’t fit. It wasn’t even close. But they said if we came up with a take, they’d LOVE to hear it.
hehehe I love these xtranormal.com animation videos. The HTC:Evo vs. iPhone4 had me cracking up as I watched it over and over again.
I didn’t see that as a parody of the development process. Its more like an animated documentary. What the industry needs to realize is that there’s no reward without risk. They need people on the development side of things who are cinema literate. Not bean counters who stare at charts all day. This current business model is seriously flawed. Its going to go the way of the music business. 3D will only exacerbate the problem by the higher premiums placed on tickets.
Some solutions. Reduce ticket prices by 30 percent, including 3D. Implement a digital distribution of prints system to cut down on costs. Create more originals through all spectrums of genre so that you give the public some varied choices instead of remakes and CGI comic books. Have bargain price days for families of four and up and you know what…this business might just be saved.
Just wish he didn’t go for killing her with the slinky in the end. We are forever laughing at the abuse and murder of women. What is wrong with our society?
It is funny to joke about culling the clueless in our industry, whether they wear bras, jock straps, or leashes.
Get a sense of humor. reality is tough enough without PC B.S.
Former Development Exec here. I was once pitched “Sorry” the movie. They had a whole treatment, which involved a neighborhood that was sort of shaped like the “Sorry” board. I couldn’t believe it. You understand, I said to them, that this is a board game that has simple colored pegs for pieces and a nothing but colored squares on a board. There’s no story, characters, nothing. But the smiling producer seemed convinced he had a winner. And he was surprised when I passed. I think I remember saying that by comparison, “Monopoly” was “Moby Dick” — at least it has a city with streets and utilities, not to mention a jail, and little lead pieces that are shaped like things. Hollywood. Oy.
Off the top of my head I can see a story here. You’re not trying hard enough:-)
R, you’re pointing out that a “development exec” isn’t trying. The sky is also blue and water is wet.
(btw Brian… The Monopoly adresses are all Atlantic City locales, that might be why it sounds like a real city… just a guess.)
Loved it!