Nellie Andreeva

What Ratings Will Make ‘Conan’ A Success?

Here is a transcript of Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue as well as the opening video at tonight’s premiere of his late-night show on TBS.  The clip features dramatizations of Conan’s telling NBC brass to “go to hell” for trying to move him to 12:05 AM and of him taking TBS’ offer for “much less” as well as a Godfather spoof and scenes with Jon Hamm as  Don Draper from Mad Men and Larry King as Conan’s guardian angel.

Thank you.  Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.

Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”

Welcome to my new show, “Conan.”  People ask me why I named the show “Conan.”  I did it so I’d be harder to replace.

This is an exciting night.  I’m glad to be on cable.  The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

And things are going well already.  I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO.

I’m going to be honest:  It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding.  So that’s why I left NBC.

But the weird thing is this:  I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight.  So I get this job at eleven.  Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight.  In fact, it’s 12:05.

A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke.  But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.

TV Editor Nellie Andreeva - tip her here.