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What Ratings Will Make ‘Conan’ A Success?
Here is a transcript of Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue as well as the opening video at tonight’s premiere of his late-night show on TBS. The clip features dramatizations of Conan’s telling NBC brass to “go to hell” for trying to move him to 12:05 AM and of him taking TBS’ offer for “much less” as well as a Godfather spoof and scenes with Jon Hamm as Don Draper from Mad Men and Larry King as Conan’s guardian angel.
Thank you. Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.
Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”
Welcome to my new show, “Conan.” People ask me why I named the show “Conan.” I did it so I’d be harder to replace.
This is an exciting night. I’m glad to be on cable. The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.
And things are going well already. I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO.
I’m going to be honest: It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that’s why I left NBC.
But the weird thing is this: I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight. So I get this job at eleven. Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight. In fact, it’s 12:05.
A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke. But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.
TV Editor Nellie Andreeva - tip her here.
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To quote Mr. David, that monologue is pretty….pretty…..pretty good.
Yeah – monologue was OK, but not great. That’s kind of how I’d sum up the whole show. Hope things get better & Conan returns to more of his old “12:30 Conan” style. Not sure about the beard and the very blue background and moon water reflection are annoying to my eyes.
Dear Dead-Liners:
As a public service, here is a summary of the comments posted below:
1. Some people love Conan and think his monologue was pure genius.
2. Some people love Conan and think his monologue sucked ass.
3. Some people love Jay Leno and think Conan sucks ass.
4. Some people thinks Jay Leno sucks ass.
5. Old people miss Merv Griffin.
6. Some people think The Tea Party is the best thing to happen to America since the American Bund (Google it, children…)
7. Some people think The Tea Party is a kooky collection of racist loonies.
8. Many people unaffiliated with the entertainment industry value their opinions about that industry.
There you have it…
Worker Among Workers
Perfect.
This is crap. Not one funny thing. I like Jay. He appeals to the Tea Party. Leno went up to Sarah Palin’s hometown a couple weeks ago. My kind of guy. And, yes, I’m a little older than most on here. I still remember Mike Douglas and Merv G.
David, no one cares what you say. You’re demographic is dying off everyday and the sooner the better!!! Save us taxpayers from social security and CBS comedies.
HA! Classic.
You are an idiot. Just because he doesn’t like it doesn’t mean you have to attack older people. Just because you don’t like the demographic doesn’t mean that you should wish them to die off. You get what you give and I guess punk kids will be giving you the same crap when you get out of the target demographic.
@trulyme: you’re right. “David Reskin is too old” is too stupid. Someone who doesn’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your” isn’t smart enough to count.
The fact you say “he appeals to the Tea Party” as a positive is both worrisome and dangerously idiotic.
How does it feel to be out of any coveted demographic, where literally nobody thinks you have any worth?
Who’s dangerously idiotic?
You use the word “literally” when there is no figurative counterpart to confuse the meaning.
Your generation is dangerously arrogant and uneducated.
Mister Reskin, you don’t have to create new accounts every time to post. You can just use the one.
If I had simply said “nobody thinks you have any worth” then you would have spent twenty minutes writing a post about how your wife thinks you’re worth something. It’s to help ease the strain of debate in these trying times as you gently slide into dementia.
Lastly, you have no idea what generation I belong to. All you know is that I’m younger than you, and that bugs you because your time is finally (and rightfully) passing. You won’t be missed.
You demean people because of their age with no right to do so. THAT is idiotic. You tell people that they have no worth which proves you to be an arrogant fool. This section is for comments about a talk show, not your political propoganda. Please, stop being a dumbass.
Reskin did not create a new account. I am WRTRPROD7, defending him.
Again you show your lack of education. You simply don’t understand the meaning or proper use of the word “literally.” It’s kind of sad. Go get an education before you send out condescending messages.
I know you’re part of the younger generation because you’re so hopeless lost. Your generation doesn’t read and it shows in your writing. You have no respect. Go play a videogame, dude.
I hope you are kidding. Jay Leno is unwatchable.
Of course you remember Merv Griffin. You played field hockey together.
Viva la Conando!
I’m old enough to remember Mike Douglas and Merv G. … but no way am I a teabagger. Being older doesn’t need to mean being close-minded.
You’re right. leno appeals to stupid people. And their ditto head sheepherders.
…..as opposed to the grass-eaters on the left? yeah you sure showed him.
pfft
@D.Reskin …meaning you’ll die sooner.
Looks like D Reskin managed to get his grandson to transcribe his pearls of wisdom for him via the interwebs. Bully for you, good sir, and pish posh!
they were gentleman.(merv and mike)……
Conans different style is fun too. Either story
the public will never be forced into agreeing to be entertained.
Conan is a comedic genius but TBS sucks. Watching this is making me sad because of all the unfulfilled potential.
Conan deserves so much more respect It’s disgusting.
Conan is a comedic genius.
NBC needs to cancel The Tonight Show and Late Night. Then, buy the rights to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report and convert those shows to an hour each.
NBC won’t cancel The Tonight Show. It’s an institution. However, replacing the current host with Jon Stewart, now that’s possible. And I’m starting to hear rumblings…
You nailed it, “Your Close”! In fact, I heard that Jon Stewart takes over in 2013 . . . dont’ be an idiot. Stewart isn’t going anywhere. He saw what NBC did to Conan, he wouldn’t be foolish enough to take the gig. He’s got a great deal at Comedy Central. Yes, the money may not be as big, but Stewart’s got plenty of money, all the creative control he wants, can get any guest he wants; no reason whatsoever to leave.
@Jack That is such a stupid and impossible I had to do a double-take of your post.
Conan deserves so much more. It’s digusting.
Conan is a comedic genius. Period.
CONAN IS A COMEDIC GENIUS. STOP DELETING MY COMMENTS
It’s sad Conan has been reduced to basic cable… He deserves so much more.
This is ridiculous. My comments keep being deleted when I say Conan is a comedic genius. What the F? This is outrageous.
Agreed, Conan is brilliant, but you’re obviously not. Comments need to be monitored, and aren’t made visible until they are. So, for the love of all good things, just relax already.
Hey, stupid. Sometimes comments take time to show up. How can you think your comments are getting deleted when Nikki is a HUGE Conan supporter???
Which is O.K., even though I am not a Conan supporter. Because there are celebrities I’m a huge supporter of. We all have our favorites.
The show was amazing! Conan was so funny! He’s THE BEST of all the late night hosts!!!! Welcome back you glorious king!!!!!
im 23 and who is connan?
Conan is without doubt the most SELF INDULGENT talk show host there is. All his dancing and mincing and dorking off is annoying as hell. The writing and production are good as is Richter.
But Conan himself is an overly caffeinated goober. He ruins
every joke by going into some spasmatic doofus routine.
He sucks.
If you don’t like him, don’t watch him. MANY, MANY, MANY people find his antics to be incredibly enjoyable and frees them to be themselves in the same way and understand how to act like a kid again without any care in the world. He shows us how to laugh at ourselves and not to take everything sooooo seriously.
Not taking anything sooooooo seriously. I love a good laugh.
Not that MANY MANY MANY people like Conan or he would still be the host of the Tonight Show. He was ousted because of ratings, period. Just because you say something emphatically doesn’t make it true, kids.
Conan, please, just tell the joke. Don’t dance. Don’t do the robot over and over again. Don’t do your evil genius voice again for the 1000th dtime. Don’t get spastic and self-indulgent, Conan. Nobody likes a comedian who laughs at his own jokes loudly.
Good to have Conan back on TV but he never should have taken the Tonight Show because he felt compelled to dumb his show down to reach a wider dumber older audience. He was brilliant at 12:35 if he wants to succeed on TBS he needs to do the same show he did in New York for 17 years. That’s all you have to do Conan. Here’s hoping you learned your lesson. And if TBS doesn’t work out there’s always HBO which is where you really should be right now.
This actually sounds like a good show. I wish I can watch it but unfortunately I don’t have cable.
Glad to know we are all at the least bit of arms length. Luvd the comment correcting the literal overlook. Hahahahahaha great line for open mike.
Conan is a COMEDIC GENIUS! Don’t you dare delete my comments again and then re-post them to make me feel insecure and then make me feel better about my pathetic existence when I see they weren’t actually deleted. God, I feel like one of those of rats in a ‘skinner box’ experiment, tapping the lever for a pellet of grub. He’s A GENIUS! A GENIUS, I SAY! Listen!
We hear you, Conan. Relax.
Conan is the man. I thought the cold open was pretty funny. NBC are such jerks, they shot Conan like a million times and got away with it.
Conan is in a better place, where he really belongs, basic cable.