Tina Fey and Amy Poehler once again made it look easy to rain down snark on the entertainment industry and get them to like it. “Welcome to the annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels The Butler’s Golden Globe Awards,” Fey opened — a nod to Warner Bros mockable battle with The Weinstein Company over the right to name a movie The Butler, in which WB insisted it had the right to the title dating back to its 1916 silent comedy short of same name.
Like Ricky Gervais, the guy they replaced, Fey and Poehler seemed to suffer from Second-Year Slump, though sartorially things went much better his year for the First Women of Comedy. They’ll “keep doing it until everybody hates it,” they promised — they’ve already been signed for next year.
Hollywood males got a special skewering this year:
“Matt Damon is here for being in Behind The Candelabra. Any other night in any other room you’d be a big deal. Tonight you’re basically a garbage person.”
Best film nominee Gravity is about “how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die rather than spend another minute with a woman his own age,” Fey said moments later.
“And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio,” Fey snarked as the Wolf Of Wall Street star came out to present an award.
“Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. He lost 40 pounds for his role in Dallas Buyers Club – or what actresses call Being In A Movie.”
But the couple lost a lot of cred when Poehler was named best actress in a comedy series and got all gushy and tongue-tied and thanked the HFPA.
Despite their best efforts, the show was a bit sketchy, production-wise. “I’m not going to lie to you right now — they put the wrong stuff up there on the teleprompter,” Hill said when he and Margot Robbie took the stage to present an award but had nothing to say. Finally, a Disembodied Arm handed them a sheet of paper with their script. And of course, because all the TV nominees are banished to the back of the hall, the show as usual got dragged down during the dispensing of TV wins — particularly women who had to navigate their way across the football field-sized hall in high heels and trains. On the bright side, viewers had time to walk their dogs while waiting for Jacqueline Bisset to navigate her way to the stage when she won the night’s second category — best supporting actress in a mini or TV movie.
Speaking of Bisset, here are the awards that the Globes forgot to hand out tonight:
- Acceptance Speech That Would Be Best Understood By a Crowd in a Scottish Pub at Closing Time:
Bisset’s speech, which, in rough numbers, went like this: “I think it was 47 years ago that Hollywood Foreign Press gave me a nomination promising “newcomer”! … I’m absolutely shaking, I can’t believe this … you’ve nominated me about 5 times. Anyway… OK. Scottish background to the front! I always wanted to do something for the BBC. … Starz, thank you for putting this on. Thank you to my British agent, Steve Kinnis, and Harry Abrams and I want to thank the people who have given me joy, and there have been many. I say, like my mother, what did she say? She used to say, ‘Go to hell, and don’t come back.’ … However, my mother was a [unintelligible]. I believe if you want to look good, forgiveness is the best beauty treatment. Give it to yourself and to others. I love my friends, I love my family and you’re so kind!”
- Best Start, Worst Finish:
Diane Keaton’s heartfelt remarks on behalf of Cecil B. DeMille Award winner Woody Allen, ending with an unfortunate decision to sing the Girl Scout tune:
Make new friends, and keep the old/One is silver and the other’s gold/A circle is round, it has no end/That’s how long I will be your friend.
- Creepiest Hollywood-centric Acceptance Speech:
Brooklyn Nine-Nine co-creator Dan Goor: “I almost went to med school. This is way better than saving a human life!”
- Best Hollywood-centric Presenter Speech:
Robert Downey Jr, presenting award for best actress in a motion picture comedy or musical, who said: “No matter whose name is called when I open this envelope, tonight I’m leaving here a winner. If Amy takes it and I get a racy photo of us backstage, Gucci lets me keep the tux. If it’s [Julia Louis-Dreyfus], I chat her up and ride her coattails right into Tina’s afterparty. Should it be Ms. Delpy, it reaffirms the artistic integrity of sequels. If it goes Greta Gerwig’s way, I shall finally stop associating her surname with a film about an angry inch. And yet if it’s Meryl [Streep]., I could supplement my income by leasing her a shipping container to put it in with the 200,000 other awards she’s received. Let’s see how this plays out for me. Here are the nominees…”
- Best Continuation of Tradition of Foreign Actors Giving Best Acceptance Speeches:
Cate Blanchett, topping it off by thanking someone for tonight “plying me with vodka in the way that Judy Garland was probably plied with barbituates.”
- Best HFPA Gag:
Fey and Poehler: “We want to thank your hosts tonight, the Hollywood Foreign Press, the association of esteemed international journalists responsible for this beautiful event. Specifically, we would like to thank Jurgen Fondefinger from Der Funft Magazine, Lupe Para Los Lupes from Besos y Suesos.com, Sven Kendervomit from Purple Magazine, Zumit Fern editor of Kerplunk, Nicoise Yakimora Bichon Frisee Yoshimata from Le Oeuf, Lukas V. I. Warshowsky from the free magazine they give out on Polish buses, Powee; and of course Jeremy Watson-Stewart from Das Teets. Thank you all for your integrity.”
- Worst HFPA Gag:
“Welcome to the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The President’s speech – or, as it is known for those watching at home: bathroom break.” — HFPA President Theo Kingma
- Worst Ad:
It’s a tie: Sochi Olympics pop-up ads that appeared during the trophy show and the Chrysler ad that used the Globe statuette and the cringe-inducing tagline: “Not everyone can have this award. Everyone can have this award-winning car in their driveway.”
- Least Effort to Fake Being Interest While Winner in Your Category Speaks:
Helen Mirren and Jessica Lange during Elisabeth Moss’s acceptance speech.