Chuck Lorre’s TV vanity cards are coming to a bookstore near you. Simon & Schuster announced today that the executive producer of CBS’ Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory and Mike & Molly has signed a book deal with them. Simon & Schuster, a division of CBS Corporation, will publish the blurbs and musings that Lorre has been putting up for seconds at the end of his various shows since 1997. The coffee table What Doesn’t Kill Us, Makes Us Bitter comes out in October 2012 and will cost $100, with all proceeds going to the Dharma-Grace Foundation that Lorre set up in 1999 to help offer free medical care. During Charlie Sheen’s public war of words with Lorre in early 2011, the vanity cards became the Two and a Half Men co-creator’s outlet back at his former leading man. In one card played after a February 2011 episode of Men, Lorre responded to the actor by noting his own good health and lack of vice and concluded, “If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I ‘m gonna be really pissed.” Not long after Lorre said he would discontinue the cards but they are still after his shows. While the vanity cards have been available online for a while and can be seen by anyone fast with the freeze button on their remote, this is the first publication of them, including several that CBS have not …
Is Chuck Lorre dying to tell his side of the Charlie Sheen saga? The TV exec producer’s vanity card at the end of tonight’s Two And A Half Men episode could be a clue. His remarks are especially interesting because of the new legal settlement among Lorre, Sheen, and Warner Bros:
Sometime last year I realized I had become the unwilling contestant in a reality show. I didn’t understand the rules, wasn’t sure if there even were any, and pretty much hated every second of it. For many months I kept hoping and praying that it would end. But it did not. Somewhere along the way, something inside me died. Anyway, now, suddenly, I’m being told that the reality show’s been cancelled. Apparently, it was just one of those things that somehow got out of control. Sorry. Whoops. Live and learn. Moving on. Game over. And that’s fine. I am so good with that. Yes, please, let’s all move on. There’s just one problem. That thing inside me that died? It walks at night. It’s angry. It’s hungry. And worst of all…it’s writing a tell-all book.
Remember when Chuck Lorre got a lot of flak for some recent vanity cards about his ongoing feud with Charlie Sheen? Now Lorre has put a twist on the oldest schoolkid’s excuse. “My lawyer ate my vanity card,” was all Lorre wrote when the card appeared at the end of tonight’s new Big Bang Theory episode on CBS. I’m not sure about the eating part, but Lorre’s lawyer probably did advise him against using the vanity card to share his thoughts on Sheen again now that they’re all in arbitration.
Exactly two weeks after Chuck Lorre’s now infamous “If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed” vanity card at the end of the final (for now) episode of Two and Half Men, which triggered Sheen’s vicious attacks against him, the Men co-creator weighed in on Sheen’s assaults (sort of) in his latest vanity card. The card, which aired tonight at the end of Lorre’s newest series, CBS comedy Mike & Molly, is in the rambling, stream-of-consciousness style of most of Sheen’s rants. It’s hard to make sense of it (if there is sense to be made). Most intriguing is the ending: The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”
Is it a reference to Lorre’s 1993 sitcom Grace Under Fire, which went through a similar ordeal dealing with the drug problem of star Brett Butler? After one unplanned hiatus while Butler was in rehab, the actress’ increasingly erratic behavior became too much for ABC to handle, and the network pulled the plug on the show despite strong ratings. Here is the text of tonight’s Lorre vanity card:
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #334
I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.
I believe that consciousness creates
UPDATE: Charlie Sheen was caught by a TMZ crew while out and about today and sent Chuck Lorre a video response: “Chuck, I will outlive you. I will piss you off, ” he said before adding “I miss you, man” and urged Lorre to “get off those other shows” and return to Men.
PREVIOUS: Continuing an old tradition going back to Cybill, Chuck Lorre uses the vanity cards at the end of his shows to muse about life and showbiz. He has drawn attention several times when CBS censored some of his write-ups, which are all available in their original form at chucklorre.com. And, over the past year, Lorre has made subtle references to the troubled personal life of Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen in vanity cards while largely keeping mum beyond that. But, last night, at the end of the final fresh episode (for now) of the sitcom, which has been idle while its main star undergoes rehab, Lorre said this about the actor who has made mega-millions for the executive producer, and vice versa. Here is the card:
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #329
I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I